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maliit na bato
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Tuesday, August 10, 2010
it was just an idea at first...
I just need to write this. If I could just broadcast this to the world, I would. But a) I don't want the drama, b) I don't want to let people think that I'm just saying this to fish for a proposal but I don't really mean it, and c) I don't want to emulate those who announce their sentiments to the world in the hopes of having their crushes read their post.
But I need to write this down. I need him to read this in case he doubts that I really mean it (you know, he'd think I'm just waiting for him to propose).
So here it is. I just want to put this on record. That after thinking it over, I have now made up my mind to never marry.
That's right. I don't want to get married anymore.
I know I had been dreaming of my wedding day since time immemorial. I had an idea of what my wedding gown would look like, what flowers would I hold, what shoes would I wear. I even had my songs ready and loaded from my walk down the aisle to the reception dance.
But alas! I have grown up (I think)!
If someone had chanced upon my whole blog and read my wedding post and this particular one, I would understand if that someone would think I'm being bitter or I just want to save face because I wouldn't be able to afford the wedding I want and my prospective groom doesn't seem inclined to shell out a penny as well. I would understand if that would be the reaction. Because if I had read it from a third person's point of view, I would also think the same.
I would think, if I were another person who happened to read this, that she is holding out because she wants him (and I have a him - a real person) to grow up and save something for her so she can have her dream wedding.
Oh yes, that would certainly be what I would think.
But instead of typing really, honestly, truly, sincerely, genuinely numerous times, I will just explain how this feeling developed.
It started out like that. As a means to save face because everyone is getting their dream wedding and I have had a feeling I won't even get to play a song from my list when I finally said I do.
He doesn't seem to get bothered that we're getting older but we're not progressing. He always talked (he still does) about wanting to give his car a major makeover or planning to buy a gigantic LCD TV, or getting an entertainment system or whatever. I don't think he's deliberately being selfish. I don't believe that he has been planning his future without me. It's just that he isn't planning at all. His plans don't go beyond saving for the car's repair or for a big monitor.
And this is the part where it gets really novel-like:
One time (I don't remember when, if it was weeks or months ago), I looked at him when he wasn't aware. I didn't know what exactly did I want to see upon staring at him. But I thought that if I did, I would understand something or he would understand what I had been feeling.
Neither happened.
It turned out I was looking at the wrong spot.
Because you see, as much as I hate to sound like those folks who suddenly get enlightened in films or novels, I was really not thinking clearly. I wanted him to waste money for me just as any boyfriends should do. I little trinket, no matter how cheap, would be appreciated every now and then. A little surprise cake would be adorable. He only does that if he has done something bad, like flirting (inadvertently or not) with an officemate on a social network site.
But it's not in his character to do that. He thinks I should buy whatever fancies me or curb myself from wanting something if I can't afford it.
I had been praying that he would forget my birthday. Because after greeting me, I know he would do nothing else. And I was right. I hope next year, and the year after that, he would forget. Because it really hurt to know he wasn't willing to exert effort. So I hope to God he forgets next time.
I can't change him. I had been trying to do so for years. I cried in front of him numerous times. I told him plainly that I had been hurt he didn't even try to make my day special or he didn't even save for a gift. But it's been the same every year. So I promised myself not to do that this year. And I didn't.
And there's this thing about him not caring and me wanting to unload my problems to him. You know, typical girl-boy thing. He thinks I have my parents to fix my problems for me and my friends to listen to me. I think he should be the one to do those things. He thinks I won't listen to his opinion anyway. I think he's just making excuses because my problems don't directly concern him. You know, typical.
Even if he wasn't being selfish, at least not intentionally, I think that it will never occur to him that I need him to take care of me. And I appreciate him doing stuff around the house. I really do. I'm grateful because he makes house chores easier for me.
I shouldn't complain. I'm trying not to.
This is where the dilemma sets in, and this is also where I have come up with the solution.
As much as I love him, I don't want to get married to someone who won't go the extra mile for me. He loves me, I know. I don't think he loves anyone else. But he thinks I'm capable so he doesn't bother anymore. And although I promised not to complain, I just can't bring myself to accept that lot.
So I said I won't get married. And it was that at first: just a way to save face.
But after a while (and again, I don't know exactly how long), the idea started to sound more realistic to me. I guess you could say I've warmed up to it. But I don't consider it as accepting just because I gave in. Being not married just started to have more merit. It started to feel right.
I'd be lying if I said abandoning my dreams of a grand and romantic wedding is easy. I still catch myself imagining wearing a wedding gown once in a while. I still pause briefly when I hear Michael Ruff's "More Than You'll Ever Know." Wedding specials on TV still get my attention. Indeed, abandoning my dream to have the grandest, most romantic event in my life isn't easy. But I can do without the gown. I can do without the flowers. Or the songs. Or the dream.
I can do without it all.
Not being married while living with your partner is still frowned upon a bit here, although it wasn't as taboo as before. But that's what I would like to happen. I would like to be with him for the rest of my life but I don't want marriage. I can do without that.
I'm thinking my parents won't approve at first. But they have to. I would make them see that I'm happy being original in our family. They just have to give their blessing.
And he just needs to understand.
081010 3:43am tues
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