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maliit na bato
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Sunday, September 07, 2008
my honesty
It may be the height of hypocrisy for me to say that I don't care a bit if no one ever gets to read this. Well, I don't want this read by my parents, my siblings, my family (immediate or otherwise), my enemies (and there are quite a lot in number), my sworn enemies (1 or 2 or 3 maybe), and those people that I would never dream of speaking with in real life.
But, if I am really honest, of course I would like this to be read. Never mind that I often raise an eyebrow at those who write with extreme false coyness about love and life and everything in between, in hopes that their intended readers (i.e. their crushes) harbor the same feelings as they do, or at least get some comfort or flattery from them. It's not uncommon, you know.
Though I am stepping a little step down from the pedestal I put myself into (yep, that's how I highly value myself), I would say that I sometimes hope for the same thing. Okay, that's not entirely correct. Not sometimes. I don't really hope for it consciously. It's just always at the back of my mind that someday (I'm being generous, I know no one is really reading at the moment) my message would get across.
To whom exactly? Uh... can't really say. Okay fine, I'm saying it. It's my boyfriend; I always hope he would someday. But that's not really possible right now. He's not that sensitive. And he just doesn't give much effort to.
So with all honesty, I want this to be read. Someday, perhaps. But still, I want this read, whenever. Otherwise, I would just mark this blog private, or better yet, I would have entered this into my other one, the real private one. I'm actually making it easy for him. Because If I were him, I would have known by now all my passwords, my life details, my elementary, high school and college grades, the past boys I had (if they indeed just count past one), and everything in between I could possibly unearth about me. And I call that love.
So it's not only hurting my pride to know that he just doesn't care about those things or he just doesn't give an effort to find out anything. Come to think of it, it's not about his effort (or lack thereof), it's his indifference. Yeah, I'm pretty sure his nonchalance attitude is not a pretense in any way. He is just not that interested.
But, as hurtful (I know, "hurtful" doesn't exactly sound scholarly or dignified, it sounds exactly like a word those people I love to hate use often) as it is, can't really do anything about it. Oh no, it's not that I didn't try anything at all. I tried to make him understand. Believe me, I did. At first I tried the "hurt" look, which isn't really that hard to emulate because it really did hurt, but that got no where. He couldn't see it; he thought I was just being difficult. So I tried being difficult. Needless to say, it didn't work.
So the only thing left to do was to be honest and sincere. And boy did it got me no where as well! Talk about insensitive boyfriends!
my plan that isn't really a plan
Therefore, I present to you all... my plan.
Not exactly a plan in the truest sense of the word. But it did require planning so might as well call it a plan. It's my "what if plan."
This may sound like a bad film/TV/novel plot in the late 80s and early 90s but just in case it happens to me, then I fervently hope God would be kind enough to let the course of events flow according to the storyline I created for myself. Just in case I acquire amnesia.
It's not really impossible, just improbable. At least I can safely say that I know a friend that had amnesia. And it's true! Not that I'm rejoicing of her so-called misfortune but I swear my face lit up upon listening to her narrate what happened. Wow! I actually know someone who had amnesia! Not everyone can say that, you know.
But I digress. Now for my "what if plan." What if I had that condition. Of course, like my friend, mine would also be retrograde and just selective. Not everything had to be temporarily forgotten. Of course it's just temporary, I wouldn't want it to be permanent unless it's that awful, awful period of my life. But it's not. It's my created plot line so it's not.
There's drama of course. If I had to erase that particular period, then it wouldn't be drama. It would be fairy tale. It would be close to perfection. So it's not.
What I would forget is the happy one I had with him. Oh surely I would remember him. But my memory would only allow the part when we were just a very new (and official) couple. Why? Because it's my story (idiots)!
Then what I would know of him is that he is everything that I ever wanted and loved. But I'm still tormented by the fresh memory of my past before him, meaning, my dreadful, dreadful ex and my horrible, horrible life with him. Now why would I create a drama so close to the truth. Because, I realize that no matter how much I wanted that part erased from my life, not just from my memory, forever, it just won't simply go away. It's there. And as much as I loathe it, it's there. And there isn't anything that comes close to hurting me and tormenting me as much as that did and still does.
So I'm leaving it there. And I'm leaving it fresh. Then I'll temporarily erase the blissful one that followed.
why?
So that I would know if he's really the one. I know I want him and love him and I need him, but I just need him because I want him and love him. But is he really the one for me, after knowing that he just doesn't care?
Now onto my story. To make it more realistic, I'm patterning it to my friend's. I would remember him vividly as if it was just yesterday that we officially became a couple, but I would remember just so little after that. I would remember my work, or at least how I do it everyday, but not so much as the people around it. I would remember my family, of course, but I would remember just so little about "the other him" beyond the couple of years he became alive.
I can't get out of this relationship now. I'm buried deeply in it already. I don't have the heart, the courage, nor the will to do so. I think, as much as I hate the nagging feeling that I don't want to be in a relationship like this, I can't live without him. It's that simple.
But if I were to erase the memories after that (I can't erase it completely because he came to my life while I was still with the awful, awful ex and I can't erase the ex) then maybe if he's not the one, I could still get out.
So if I were to have that memory condition, then I would need to read this blog. Then I would know that he is not the perfect man I have always dreamed of. The one who is sensitive to my feelings, and protective of me, and who would love the other him as much as he have to. I would show him this. And I would show it with a comparatively detached feeling than I would have if I showed this to him now.
Then I'll decide.
090708 sun 2:06am
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