remnants of the past:


anne's email

posted by anne at 6:49 PM

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

 

out with it

I'm not exactly zero but I still feel weak without cash. Maybe it's laziness but I'm really happy with my job. I just need the cash - delivered on time - to enjoy it even more. I just hate Americans for bosses. But that's exactly what they are in my life. If I could tear them apart I would. They really take advantage of third world citizens like us.

what if

This is a classic. The what if game. And I'm playing it. Everyday. I'll try to be scientific about this, which is hard since I'm not really drawn to science. I just have one what-if so without further ado, let's play this game, shall we?

-What if I didn't try out for my cable tv org in college?
My college life would've been boring, just the way I like it. I would have excelled academically more. I would have select friends that I would or would not get in touch with today.

But I also wouldn't have screwed up. And I would have a bragging right to a clean spotless life. I would have well, respect, and I would demand it, too. Not that I don't do that now but I would feel like I really deserve it.

I wouldn't have him but I don't think I would miss him if I didn't know he existed. I would lose the sometimes-happy-sometimes-sad part of my fraud life. It's not okay now but if I really think about it, I wouldn't even know I have him if those things didn't happen, thus, I wouldn't miss something that's non-existent even in my memory.

And wouldn't it feel good?

I also wouldn't have oldman. I thought I would because maybe I still would have applied in that company whether or not I was active in my org. But he was attached to someone else. And yes, the reason I even gave it a try is that I was wanting so fervently to get out of where I was in. If I didn't try out for my org, then I would have demanded more respect and I would still have my prude principles and I would have snubbed him.

But if, say, I did and we did. Would I really know for sure he loves me? Maybe not and but I would still want it to work out. If he's my first then I would definitely want him to be my last. And maybe I wouldn't feel indebted to him at all.

I think I would have given up and let someone else find me. Let's be honest, he's not exactly the most charming and romantic guy around. There are times that I keep asking if I'm asking too much or I just wasn't being given enough. I don't want my parents' "marriage," that, I'm very, very sure of. And sometimes, I think that we're heading into that.

I may have been head over heels with him but if all of those things didn't happen, I think I would have the upper hand. And I don't think I would have been into this relationship.

I would have been single or with somebody else. He may not be as manly as him but again, I don't think I would be looking for that. I only know I want that today because of him. If he didn't show up in my life, I wouldn't know I want it.

Not that I'm matured now but if all of these didn't happen, I would still be myself. And I would have loved that.

With all that being said, I hate hearing people who says "no regrets." Because I have.

my fantasy vacation

I don't remember if I already wrote this but this is worth repeating.

Most people think of beach and sand for their ultimate vacation fantasy. I think of storm, TV, and comfy bed. I want heavy downpour outside and soft breeze inside. I want my own room and my own TV and DVD player and all the channels and discs I want. Laptop and Internet connection, at that time, are excessive but still welcome. I want all my favorite food nearby so I can munch to my heart's content. I want privacy so I can cry while watching "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" or other series, reality or not, that makes me cry. I want to be able to laugh aloud when a joke, no matter how corny, is delivered by my favorite shows.

I want a no-guilt thought that I can do that everyday and not be conscious of the time. I want to be the ultimate couch potato, but I want it to be a soft, plush bed instead with a silky mattress and quilt with huggable pillows.

And I want to live in the Regency times and have Regency romance.

061808 9:47pm