|
maliit na bato
|
Friday, August 10, 2007
2 weeks maybe
I haven't had the chance of communicating or interacting for more than 15 minutes with Americans until yesterday. And before I change my opinion as I consume the next two weeks working with him, I'll say this now. I think he is a money-loving, pinoy-hating, chauvinist, devil-may-care-about-everyone-else-but-me boss. And I also think I'm gonna like him for that.
--- entry before August 13, 2007 (start of the "2-week" period)
My entry last Thursday, 083007:
For three weeks, 13 working days (12 if you take out 1 holiday), I had worked with a company that is owned and (micro)managed by an American. For 12 days I had thought and conceptualized a plan for the betterment and expansion of the company. I had endured the torture of being subjected to sit and listen to my boss insult my race and my country. I took it all in justifying it with the fact that he had been wronged by my fellow countrymen or so his stories say. I felt it was my patriotic duty to change his outlook on my race. It was difficult working for him even for my stay of less than a month but I got halfway through and really, I thought I could make a difference.
I had to listen to his stories of how his ex-employees, my race, mistreated him. Hearing one side of it made me wary of its unfairness but I got to admit, like any other one-sided stories, it sounded believable to me. I had to tell him that I had not encountered people of that low quality in my working lifetime. He had not believed me. So anyway, I just accepted it as a challenge and show him instead that there are good, smart, honest Filipino employees here. Lots of them, in fact. It became my personal mission to get this company up and running smoothly. It is my goal to change his perspective of Filipinos and the Philippines. How I'd love to be the savior of my race's image. How foolish I had been.
If it was doable, then that "hero" should be able to accept a white man's slaps and spits. And I have too much pride to accept that. If I hadn't, I wouldn't even had stayed and tried to change his mind in the first place. I would have let him massacre my race and just not care.
I am not a great fan of my fellowmen, too. I know our potholes and blunders but being one of them, I know I have to love them, no matter what. It's one thing that I, myself, see the ugliness of this country, it's another to hear a foreigner insult it while his big smelly feet step on our part of the earth. It is common for one race to make fun or insult the other but one never ever tells them their feelings in the other's face. It is simply not done or else risk being called a racist. It is not hypocrisy, in my opinion. It is respect.
I still don't know what to do, really. I am so tempted to stay - for the money, of course. But then I feel so dirty for doing so. I've reasoned out if I could milk money out of him, by doing my job, no less, I had somehow made my revenge on him. And besides, I have sacrificed other sure jobs for this, I might as well get something out of this. He should be grateful to me, for reasons so obvious like reminding him to avoid big time pain in the ass in the future by giving his employees the law-mandated benefits. Also, I told him the importance of having a futuristic look on their website. He bought all that and more and why not? I was right and he knows it. I had made so much more things for the company that he wouldn't be abloe to think of himself. Even with his current employees, they didn't have the courage (or knowledge?) to remind him of their rights. Oh, I am so an asset and they know it all!!!
I have decided to stay for now. And for now means until I have guidance and means to quit. I have ran out of funds and although I am not exactly poor and desperate, it would still be nice to have a steady flow of income.
Entry last Friday, 083107 before lunch break:
So now it's Friday, the day I had planned on submitting my letter of resignation. But yesterday, I had felt an urgency to stay and make the most out of this. I felt needed and important. I doubt I would feel this way if I worked in other companies as a writer or content specialist or whatever role I embark on. I smelled big bucks.
But on the way home, I suddenly felt dirty. Like I was the most immoral girl on the planet. I had always given importance to my pride. It may just be the only thing that's keeping me composed in all these years. I imagine the self-corruption I felt for staying in this company. I had never felt so ashamed (well, not true exactly but close enough). It feels like selling your soul. I want to be rich, yes, but if whoring is the only way to achieve that (and this feels exactly like it) then maybe being poor isn't so bad, afterall.
And oh yeah, have I told you about this feeling I have when I'm in this company? This feeling is not new to me. It did not start just here but I haven't felt this in a long time and it just suddenly reappeared when I set foot here. It just hits me. It's sort of nostalgic experience of home or my position as a family member. It's not easy to explain because I don't know it myself. It's hard to fathom and descrube. I just know that I don't like feeling it. It seems so powerful. It can throw me off balance in a second. Feeling ti here, in this very company, makes me think if I am in the right place. I may not like how it feels but it may be telling me something. It may be telling me to stay or leave immediately without looking back. I just need to know what it is telling me. Why am I feeling it now?
So now that sums up my soul searching. I've been askling for divine intervention and guidance to show me the way. But I am deaf and the answer needs to be shouted to me and so far, I am hearing nothing. Whispers won't do. I don't think I would be able to hear them. Signs are confusing unless it's in plain text, I won't be able to read them. That's why I have my hula session later. Hopefully, God will channel the message through her later and tell me what to do.
Entry after lunch break on the same day, Friday, 083107:
Okay so now, almost at the end of the shift, I have finally made up my mind (hopefully). I have just seen one employee, one of the two he had praised before, got axed. And I had to listen to the high almighty owner how stupid Filipinos are. If I hadn't heard just a small fraction of the (ex)employee's defense, I would have agreed with Pootie (the white guy, as in puti) simply because he had told his story with colorful words. He, again, seemed believable. And if I hadn't seen and talked to that (ex)employee, I would have just taken Pootie's word that he was stupid.
But no, I don't think he is. I think he may even be smarter than Pootie's favorite, the other programmer. Simply because he speaks and defends his actions and the unfairness of the policy. The "favorite" doesn't even talk back. He just agrees, from my humble observation and conclusion. And he should be the one to talk back because he is sort of immune. If this was Survivor, he always had the immunity trophy.
So this brings me to my final decision. No one is safe here. This ex-favorite had been longer than me (I have no exact idea when he started) and yet, for one mistake (which Pootie taught unforgivable), he was sacked just like that. Pootie told me last Wednesday I am still on a trial period. It was agreed that it's just two weeks but even then, he gave me "job security" on my second day. Now, he seemed to forget everything he said. So now tell me, who has job security here now?
I thing that's God's sign loud and clear.
|
|
